In a world where there is a diagnosis for everything, and a medication for the side effects of every medication, where is the heavenly truth?
I've surely seen mentally ill persons and have known the difference between sane and insane. I've been in the struggle between real and surreal and have experienced terrifying panic attacks. There were times that I questioned my own sanity, but I was told a simple fact that calmed me down in those moments; crazy people don't question their sanity. All I know is after watching Silver Linings Playbook, I saw myself in the characters. I knew I had some official diagnosis from a doctor somewhere but I never really paid too much attention until God put His finger on it.
Generally speaking bi-polar is a condition in which one suffers episodes of extreme moods...depression and mania. It has a host of other "symptoms" including: racing thoughts, sleeplessness, impulsivity, self destructive behaviors...etc. I use the term "host" here quite purposefully to signify the presence of a host of tormenting thoughts and feelings that are not even a part of the person's identity.
Please know that I am only speaking of my experience and I do not pretend to know all the answers. I am also not against medication at all. It has helped me tremendously and it saves lives. I believe God leads me to the right wisdom exactly when I need, which includes wisdom from doctors, counselors and in the past, psychologists and psychiatrists.
For me, healing is all about finding truth, balance, and love.
I've had a strong connection to Holy Spirit the last 5 years and I knew I had some pretty tough healings to go through. Although at times I questioned myself and God, He never questions anything, He has the whole world in His hands. He has me in the palm of His hands and continually confirms His presence in my life. I trusted Him with healing me at the right time as I continued to take the medication I needed. Simple as that.
Around the time I began to ask God about this healing, I saw Heidi Baker, call out a word of knowledge at one of her conferences. I knew that it was available and when the time came, I wanted it. I continued to ask and listen for answers. I happen to know a few people in my life with bipolar, and the one unifying quality is that "we," are very attuned to the spiritual realm and also very insightful, artistic, clever and prophetic. One of my teachers would share a question at her teachings. She had ADD. She refused to take on a worldly definition of the disease and would rather say she had Attention to Divine Detail. I loved this idea and pursued it often with God asking, "what does bipolar mean?" and "What do I do with it?" Most often I would get the calm, confident smile in response.
A couple of years passed and I continued to diligently seek, adapt, build and learn. A man named Ken Fish was speaking at my home church on this particular night and I remember the meeting he spoke at the year before being very powerful with many people(of course me) falling over drunk in the spirit. Often times when there was going to be a powerful life changing experience, there tends to be quite a bit of highly stressful events going on around me. That night was no exception so that was confirmation to me to definitely go.
I listened to Ken speak on demonic oppression and deliverance. He shared only briefly on bi-polar but it was all I needed to know. He shared how it was very complex and seemed to be spirits attached to each other. It was one of those moments where you know God is speaking directly to you. I did not think I would be getting delivered that night however...
There was an altar call at the end of the teaching for night terrors. I did not have night terrors so I did not go up. Just beofe the call, two women next to me were highlighted for prayer. I was standing watching some weird stuff going on. Yelling, shuffling, people running out the door, people running back in. Honestly it got weird. Ken actually spoke of that being a possibility and not to fear. I stood there watching for a bit, then I got very confused and could not answer a question from a friend who came up to ask me something. Another friend came up and asked me if I was ok. I remember just saying, "I just feel weird and unsettled." She asked if I would like to go up for prayer and I wholeheartedly said "yes."
Next thing I know I'm on the ground. Maybe 6 or so people were around me praying for me. I can only describe what happened next as some sort of out of body experience. I was experiencing things but not really feeling as if I was the one doing them. I remember yelling really loud, kicking and banging my hands on the floor. I remember feeling numb, and then crying for a time. I also remember coughing a lot. I have to say I was almost feeling embarrassed but I wouldn't let that feeling overcome the excitement I had to be getting rid of these tormenting emotions.
Finally everything seemed to quite down. I sat up and rested for a bit before totally standing up. I thought maybe 20 minutes had passed. I looked up at the clock and 2hrs had passed! I felt strangely calm and content. I went home and slept well.
A week went by and I remember being out on my porch drinking coffee thinking it's awfully quiet in my head lately. Suddenly I had an epiphany! I said, "God, you mean I get to choose what I think from now on?" He smiled His confidently calm and soothing smile and simply said, "yes." I can say since that day so much has been different for me. No more racing thoughts. No more feeling like I need to run around the block 5 times at 9 o'clock at night. No more sleepless nights.
This past year has been a stuggle. I went off all medication and due to family circumstances it became extremely difficult. I stuggled with depression in the winter leading up to a mission trip to Israel. I was so incredibly blessed in my experience there with revelation I am still unpacking. Upon returning, the family crisis continued and also began to bring out the worst in me. My husband and I sought counseling and prayer and it nothing was changing. It seemed like my life was in a vicious tormenting cycle and nothing was changing.
Yet when God brings things to the forefront of my life, I know it's because He is up to something instead.
I've been a part of something called The Warrior Class for the last 4 and a half years of my life. It has been an instrumental part of my healing and deliverance. It teaches me who God is. It is a community of spiritual warriors that know how to persevere through extreme challenges. Forerunners who run after God during the midst of storms because we know His heart. We know we fight from victory with the victorious one living inside of us.
I clung to my warrior family and pursued with vengeance for mine and my family's victory. In the midst of my deepest pain, when my husband and I seperated for a few months, God gave me a vision. I was asking Him what He was doing. I asked Him what His perspective was. He gave me a vision where everything became completely silent. I was in a hallway and He handed me a book that had the word GOOD on it. I suddenly knew in my spirit that everything would work out for my good and His glory.
On May 21, 2017, everything changed. Ken Fish was in town again. I did not want to go because I was feeling very misunderstood and judged by a lot of people, but when I woke up in the morning God said, "you need to go."
Within the first 5 minutes of being there I was laid out on the floor. My friend had come up to me to pray and I just fell out in the spirit and began sobbing. I remained on the floor for 2 hours against the back wall behind the chairs. I just let God be God and laid there. I saw visions and another realm of the spirit I hadn't experienced before. It was wonderful. Then I felt something sitting on my chest and I asked God to send someone to pray for me because I could not move my arms. I know sometimes God has us glued but this was different. Finally God sent my pastor to come and pray over me. He spent a little time with me and prayed for healing and deliverance. I heard the Lord say, "It is finished and I knew He meant bipolar was finished.
Since that day, I have had many other expereinces of God continuing to fill me and warm my heart with His goodness. He is restoring my marriage and all the years the locust has taken. The first couple weeks I literally felt a tangilbe warmth surrounding and filling my heart. He is quite amazing and incredible in His supernatural ways. I am still in the process of unpacking all that He did, but one thing is for sure - I will never be the same!!!
If you struggle with bipolar please know freedom IS possible and ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you too. I leave you with this:
Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children--
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the Lord, my soul.