I was in bed one night recently, finishing up a book my spiritual dad gave me called, "The Veil." All of the sudden just as I began to read the last chapter, I felt a presence fill the room. It made my heart ache and mind aware of a love so strong. Although my mind could not understand what was happening, my heart knew that my Father, God, was giving me a deeper understanding of what it meant to be His child. As I read the words leading up to the climax, I knew something was about to happen. I felt something coming I had longed for my entire life. Tears began to fall out of my eyes. "What is happening?" I thought. Then I heard in my spirit, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15
"Abba, Father." Everything in me was crying out to my Father in Heaven. I felt as if I had been invited in to the greatest secret of life. "Child of God," is a phrase I've heard so often in the church, on the radio. It is a truth so profound yet so easily taken for granted. What does it actually feel like? What does it look like? If we are as He is in this world, then we have access to the greatest treasure of all - Our Heavenly Father. The one who holds the whole world in His hands was suddenly in my bedroom. Showering me in His divine love, goodness and glory. God, my Father.
So many of us have had really painful experiences with our biological fathers. Death, abuse, abandonment. It's hard to understand what God is really like when these wounds have hold of our understanding. Forgiveness paves the way for deliverance. It's a choice. We may still have pain but when we give God our yes to walking through pain, He is so faithful to lead us through. It is a process so worth the pain it takes to walk through. God is nothing like our earthly fathers. His love is perfect. He never fails and never will.
I believe this simple yet profound truth is the cornerstone of the wave of glory that is coming. It is an understanding and encounter so strong that demolishes every fear, sends every wall crashing. It destroys performance, dismantles doubt and leaves a resounding acceptance in it's place. It is a call to rise as sons and daughters. All creation is groaning. What are you waiting for? Cry out to God, your Father. Ask Him for understanding and revelation of His great love that conquered death. You are so worth it.
Beyond time, escaping space,
Your love transcends everything I know.
In you, I live and move and have my being.
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3
Trace your love along my face,
Inside my chest I feel you breathing,
I hear your voice behind me
My spirit knows what my mind can’t conceive
In your breath
You save me
Time and time again
With no end
I can’t escape the flood of your love
To live inside
To die and gain
Blow the paradigms of all I know
So I can glow
As you are, so am I
"Can you not discern this new day of destiny breaking forth around you?
The early signs of my puposes and plans are bursting forth.
The budding vines of new life are now blooming everywhere.
The fragrance of their flowers whispers:
'There is change in the air.'
The budding vines of new life
are now blooming everywhere.
The fragrance of their flowers whispers,
“There is change in the air.”
Arise, my love, my beautiful companion,
and run with me to the higher place.
For now is the time to arise and come away with me.
Song of Songs 2:13 Passion Translation
Perspective is everything.
Oftentimes I need to change the lens I'm looking through to see God's intention or perspective. My view gets out of focus and muddy when I get hurt, offended or scared. I begin to see things from the wounds of my pain instead of the clarity of God's promises.
It can be extremely difficult when we are faced with tough decisions, or painful circumstances. But if God is good and His promises are yes and amen, then there is an option to be pleasently expectant of good outcomes when facing trials. In James 1, Paul says it like this, "Consider it pure joy when faced with trials of many kinds."
What I focus on I give power to.
When I am focused on my circumstances and problems, they can seem overwhelming. However, when I focus on the reality of Heaven, it takes shape on the inside of me and bleeds into my thoughts and actions. When I focus on the beauty of Jesus and the love that He has for me, my problems dissipate and I get lost in a position of gratitude which enables me to live fully.
I never have to strive to gain this perspective.
All I need is simply to be still, give thanks and allow my posture to open up to receive His love. I don't need to go looking for Him because wherever I am, there He is, waiting to give Himself to me. I cannot allow the thoughts of my past dictate the present that is available to me. There is just no need for shame when the King of majesty lives inside of me.
I wouldn't want to miss the new day of destiny breaking forth all around me becasue the perspective I am looking through is distorted. I need to practice renewing my mind on a daily basis to see more clearly what God is doing. Fear is a liar. I cannot afford to see through the lens of fear. The more time I spend with Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, I understand more of what He is like and it transforms my mind. I begin to see brand new. I begin to see the dazzling light in front of me leading me beside still waters and I'm drawn away from the view of the world. It's the best view in town.
In a world where there is a diagnosis for everything, and a medication for the side effects of every medication, where is the heavenly truth?
I've surely seen mentally ill persons and have known the difference between sane and insane. I've been in the struggle between real and surreal and have experienced terrifying panic attacks. There were times that I questioned my own sanity, but I was told a simple fact that calmed me down in those moments; crazy people don't question their sanity. All I know is after watching Silver Linings Playbook, I saw myself in the characters. I knew I had some official diagnosis from a doctor somewhere but I never really paid too much attention until God put His finger on it.
Generally speaking bi-polar is a condition in which one suffers episodes of extreme moods...depression and mania. It has a host of other "symptoms" including: racing thoughts, sleeplessness, impulsivity, self destructive behaviors...etc. I use the term "host" here quite purposefully to signify the presence of a host of tormenting thoughts and feelings that are not even a part of the person's identity.
Please know that I am only speaking of my experience and I do not pretend to know all the answers. I am also not against medication at all. It has helped me tremendously and it saves lives. I believe God leads me to the right wisdom exactly when I need, which includes wisdom from doctors, counselors and in the past, psychologists and psychiatrists.
For me, healing is all about finding truth, balance, and love.
I've had a strong connection to Holy Spirit the last 5 years and I knew I had some pretty tough healings to go through. Although at times I questioned myself and God, He never questions anything, He has the whole world in His hands. He has me in the palm of His hands and continually confirms His presence in my life. I trusted Him with healing me at the right time as I continued to take the medication I needed. Simple as that.
Around the time I began to ask God about this healing, I saw Heidi Baker, call out a word of knowledge at one of her conferences. I knew that it was available and when the time came, I wanted it. I continued to ask and listen for answers. I happen to know a few people in my life with bipolar, and the one unifying quality is that "we," are very attuned to the spiritual realm and also very insightful, artistic, clever and prophetic. One of my teachers would share a question at her teachings. She had ADD. She refused to take on a worldly definition of the disease and would rather say she had Attention to Divine Detail. I loved this idea and pursued it often with God asking, "what does bipolar mean?" and "What do I do with it?" Most often I would get the calm, confident smile in response.
A couple of years passed and I continued to diligently seek, adapt, build and learn. A man named Ken Fish was speaking at my home church on this particular night and I remember the meeting he spoke at the year before being very powerful with many people(of course me) falling over drunk in the spirit. Often times when there was going to be a powerful life changing experience, there tends to be quite a bit of highly stressful events going on around me. That night was no exception so that was confirmation to me to definitely go.
I listened to Ken speak on demonic oppression and deliverance. He shared only briefly on bi-polar but it was all I needed to know. He shared how it was very complex and seemed to be spirits attached to each other. It was one of those moments where you know God is speaking directly to you. I did not think I would be getting delivered that night however...
There was an altar call at the end of the teaching for night terrors. I did not have night terrors so I did not go up. Just beofe the call, two women next to me were highlighted for prayer. I was standing watching some weird stuff going on. Yelling, shuffling, people running out the door, people running back in. Honestly it got weird. Ken actually spoke of that being a possibility and not to fear. I stood there watching for a bit, then I got very confused and could not answer a question from a friend who came up to ask me something. Another friend came up and asked me if I was ok. I remember just saying, "I just feel weird and unsettled." She asked if I would like to go up for prayer and I wholeheartedly said "yes."
Next thing I know I'm on the ground. Maybe 6 or so people were around me praying for me. I can only describe what happened next as some sort of out of body experience. I was experiencing things but not really feeling as if I was the one doing them. I remember yelling really loud, kicking and banging my hands on the floor. I remember feeling numb, and then crying for a time. I also remember coughing a lot. I have to say I was almost feeling embarrassed but I wouldn't let that feeling overcome the excitement I had to be getting rid of these tormenting emotions.
Finally everything seemed to quite down. I sat up and rested for a bit before totally standing up. I thought maybe 20 minutes had passed. I looked up at the clock and 2hrs had passed! I felt strangely calm and content. I went home and slept well.
A week went by and I remember being out on my porch drinking coffee thinking it's awfully quiet in my head lately. Suddenly I had an epiphany! I said, "God, you mean I get to choose what I think from now on?" He smiled His confidently calm and soothing smile and simply said, "yes." I can say since that day so much has been different for me. No more racing thoughts. No more feeling like I need to run around the block 5 times at 9 o'clock at night. No more sleepless nights.
This past year has been a stuggle. I went off all medication and due to family circumstances it became extremely difficult. I stuggled with depression in the winter leading up to a mission trip to Israel. I was so incredibly blessed in my experience there with revelation I am still unpacking. Upon returning, the family crisis continued and also began to bring out the worst in me. My husband and I sought counseling and prayer and it nothing was changing. It seemed like my life was in a vicious tormenting cycle and nothing was changing.
Yet when God brings things to the forefront of my life, I know it's because He is up to something instead.
I've been a part of something called The Warrior Class for the last 4 and a half years of my life. It has been an instrumental part of my healing and deliverance. It teaches me who God is. It is a community of spiritual warriors that know how to persevere through extreme challenges. Forerunners who run after God during the midst of storms because we know His heart. We know we fight from victory with the victorious one living inside of us.
I clung to my warrior family and pursued with vengeance for mine and my family's victory. In the midst of my deepest pain, when my husband and I seperated for a few months, God gave me a vision. I was asking Him what He was doing. I asked Him what His perspective was. He gave me a vision where everything became completely silent. I was in a hallway and He handed me a book that had the word GOOD on it. I suddenly knew in my spirit that everything would work out for my good and His glory.
On May 21, 2017, everything changed. Ken Fish was in town again. I did not want to go because I was feeling very misunderstood and judged by a lot of people, but when I woke up in the morning God said, "you need to go."
Within the first 5 minutes of being there I was laid out on the floor. My friend had come up to me to pray and I just fell out in the spirit and began sobbing. I remained on the floor for 2 hours against the back wall behind the chairs. I just let God be God and laid there. I saw visions and another realm of the spirit I hadn't experienced before. It was wonderful. Then I felt something sitting on my chest and I asked God to send someone to pray for me because I could not move my arms. I know sometimes God has us glued but this was different. Finally God sent my pastor to come and pray over me. He spent a little time with me and prayed for healing and deliverance. I heard the Lord say, "It is finished and I knew He meant bipolar was finished.
Since that day, I have had many other expereinces of God continuing to fill me and warm my heart with His goodness. He is restoring my marriage and all the years the locust has taken. The first couple weeks I literally felt a tangilbe warmth surrounding and filling my heart. He is quite amazing and incredible in His supernatural ways. I am still in the process of unpacking all that He did, but one thing is for sure - I will never be the same!!!
If you struggle with bipolar please know freedom IS possible and ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you too. I leave you with this:
Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children--
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the Lord, my soul.
Daddy I need you. I need you to hold me. I don't know what I need, but I know I need you. I need you to hold me close and tell me you love me. I need you to tell me who I am. I need you to tell me I belong to you and that everything is going to be ok. I don't know what's happening but I can't stop weeping. My heart is crying out to you father because I know that I am nothing without you. I know that I don't know who I am without you. Oh daddy, my daddy, please hold me. Tell me you know me. Tell me who I am. Tell me it's going to be ok. Tell me I am safe. I feel so safe here on your chest. I can feel your breath, your chest rising up and down, and my soul is safe. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for my life, that I live and didn't die. That I have countless second chances and your mercies are new everyday. Thank you that you never hold anything against me, there is no record of wrong in your eyes. Thank you that I walk through valleys of shadows of death and I don't have to fear because you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. There I can step into your heart, encompassed by your mercy and grace and I am safe. In here, I have everything I need. In you, I live and move and have my being. Thank you for your great love. Show me who I am again. Take me in your arms again, and tell me I belong to you. I just need you. You are all I need. I need to stay in this place and make it my home. I reside in the shelter of your wings. In the home of your great love inside of your heart. In Jesus' great name, Amen.
I sat at the well at Beersheba and spoke of covnenants of God. The place where Abraham made his covenant and planted a tamarisk tree. I had just left The Fountain of Tears exhibit. I couldn't stop weeping at the magnificient clash between horrorific injustice and the glory of redemption. It was a penetration so deep within me, that uncontrollable tears flowed and flowed.
I remember feeling my heart opening and stretching leading up to my trip to Israel. I even asked God if I was Jewish. He didn't answer me until I sat on this well at Beersheba. He told me, "You have my heart. You are a part of me. You are grafted in. I know you and you know Me. We are one."
I was asked to share a devotional a few days before this. I had to look at the list and choose what I wanted to talk about. Of course when I saw the one on Covenant and Wells I knew that was the one that was meant for me. God had been speaking to me on this subject for a year or so. He takes His time with us. He is longing for relationship with us. He gently guides us beside still waters into a conversation with Him.
When we accept Christ, we enter into a covenant that is impenetrible. It is a covenenat of blood, the blood that was poured out for us on the cross.
A man that walked this earth with perfect grace and humility completely connected to the heart of the Father, died not only to take our place, but so that we could take His place as the beloved of God.
In the devotional I shared about covenants of blood dating back as a ancient ritual. This ritual was an exchange in which blood was shed and gifts were given to signify that a union had taken place that was unbreakable. I have a book that shared a story of this ritual taking place between a king and a missionary. Before this covenant occured the missionary was a stranger in the land and he and his men we not safe from the war-like tribe that surrounded them. After the man agreed to cut the covenant with the king of the tribe they entered into a covenant relationship that was honored and revered by all. After this covenant was established the men became blood brothers and this agreement could not be broken even by the following generations.
This was the covenant that was made between God and Abraham at the place I sat in the picture above. Who am I that God would reveal and share such marvelous experiences with? That I would get to join in and be a part of a covenant made thousands of years ago because of Jesus? We only have this covenant with Jesus because of the Abrahamic Covenant. God remembered His people and could not break his vow to Abraham genereations proceeding him.
The old testament is a picture of the new. It is the story of Jesus. We are adopted into His family, the family of Abraham. All we need is to do is believe in Jesus and we reep the benefits of covenant made thousands of years ago.
Genesis 15:6 says, "Abraham believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness."
The meaning in Hebrew for the word "believe," in this instance is "go right into him," or the "unqualified committal." Doesn't that just say it all? Because of Jesus, we get to enter into the heart of God in an never-ending covenant where God is faithful to keep His promises. We get to dig deeper into the well of our souls and get rid of the things that don’t belong so that He can pour more of His love into us. When we give Jesus back the things He died to give us, we find the reservoir within. When we let go of our brokenness, we find an oasis that is never ending and always fulfilling. It is the spring of Life; a well that never runs dry.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
We are not of this world and it's time for a better view. We enter this new view through encounters with God's heart. When we "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;" (Psalm 100:4) we get to enter a dimension in the Spirit that is not available to the world. Do you know what is available to you in this place?
I can tell you that in the midst of pain and difficulty, I have entered this place and the view was much different than what I saw. My circumstances did not change immediately, however, I did. God gave me a glimpse of how He saw me and my circumstances. He showed me what He was going to do through it and you know what happened?...My stance became one of vicotry instead of desperation.
What if God allows the enemy in because He is using him for His purposes? Isn't that what He did when Jesus was crucified? I challenge you to come up higher. I challenge you to not be overwhelmed and desperate but instead gain a better view of God's ways. Ask the questions, because God is longing to give you a glimpse of Heaven. It's what Jesus died to give you.
On the eve of Jerusalem Day, the 70th anniversary of Israel the nation reclaiming it's identity and inheritance, I thank you. For all that you are and all that you hold.
When I close my eyes, I can still hear you.
I can still smell Your fragrance and feel the wind on my face.
When I close my eyes I can feel the heartbeat of heaven.
When I close my eyes my heart is alive in Your heart My King.
I can lean on Your chest and feel the breath of life moving.
I am accepted in the beloved.
In You, I live and move and have my being.
Thank you for the treasure of You and the time spent together here.
I have not even begun to unwrap all that I gained in Your presence here my Lord.
You are remarkable, irreplacable, undeniable and worthy of all praise.
You are unmoved, unchanged, forever King of all.
You are my song, my cup and my portion forever and ever.
"God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent by His power." - Graham Cooke
My soul split open...in the whilrwind, in the storm, You are there. "Let my heart be unbroken in ways I've never known." At the brink of a generational blessing...
Father thank you for drawing me near.
In the eye of the storm, You sit with me.
Thank You for leading me beside the still waters, and comforting me in Your love.
My heart swells bigger than I ever thought possible.
There in Holy surrender.'
I give it all to You
Hold me in Your arms
My shelter, my peace, my beloved.